When I become Lord High Executioner for New Brunswick ……

I have been informed by a reliable source that when King Stephen (Colbert) ascends the Throne of Canada, he will appoint me as Lord High Executioner for New Brunswick. Although a heavy burden, I believe I will have no choice but to accept the position. The Province must be saved from itself.

Please be advised, that after due thought and consideration, the following edicts will be issued:

1. Shale gas exploration will be BANNED. Instead, we will drill for gas at random locations (or where directed by me). For example, I have it on good authority that there is plenty of gas under the Fredericton Playhouse.

2. As voting in NB simply raises false hopes, electing politicians via voting will be BANNED. Instead I, as LHE(NB), will make all political appointments, in return for suitable inducements.

3. Redemption centres will be BANNED. Instead, grocery stores will be given the right to sell wine and beer with the proviso that they accept all plastic and glass bottles and cans, and refund deposits on same. Convenience stores may also sell wine and beer, but only if they call themselves ‘dépanneur‘, as in ‘Dépanneur Scholten’. Meanwhile Alcool NB stores will continue to sell liquor, with added marijuana and cocaine products.

4. Twitter will be BANNED. Now get back to work.

5. Statues in Fredericton of foreigners, such as those of Robbie Burns, will be torn down and replaced with statues of Stompin’ Tom, Don Messer, and Louis J Robichaud. The latter will be quite large; in fact, I may require that the entire Old Loyalist Burying Ground be re-purposed for that use. It is time to move on, folks.

6. Fredericton will be re-named  as ‘That Little Village Upriver’, or TLVU. New Maryland, Oromocto, outlying villages and LSDs will be merged with Fredericton to form ‘Greater TLVU’.

7. Moncton will invade and conquer Riverview, and the resulting entity shall be renamed as ‘The/Le Boor’.

8. Saint John shall absorb Rothesay and other outlying areas with silly names, such as Quiswhatever, and the resulting entity shall be renamed as ‘Town of Everlasting Fog’. All meetings of Council appointees shall be held on Reversing Falls Jetboats.

9. The Capital shall be removed to Renous, although travel to Renous will be BANNED.

10. All sociologists will be given actual work to perform.

Other edicts to follow, upon my appointment.

 

 

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A non-optimal solution to Fredericton’s noisy motorcycle problem

With some trepidation, the owner of this blog has agreed to allow the following post by an old acquaintance. Dicky Floridian has always been a bit of a shady character; he is constantly engaged in one scheme or another, many of which have been of a dubious legal and /or moral nature, and, insofar as I can tell, have rarely succeeded. Still, he soldiers on and retains an unlikely and perhaps unwarranted sense of optimism. He has asked that I post his proposal and I do so while pointing out that what follows is entirely the creation of Mr Floridian.

Hello folks! Dicky Floridian here. I am interrupting the usual erudite posts presented by the author of this blog to (with his permission) discuss my latest initiative. Some of you may have heard that I am preparing an opus on my work on the creativity theory of economic development. Although my original idea was used by a distant cousin (who cynically changed his name to avoid the connection, then went on to make millions from my creation), many have urged me to write the true story. And I am doing just that. But I felt that I had to interrupt that historical work in order to bring you this new idea. It is an exciting economic opportunity that makes use of both New Brunswick’s natural resources and our unique culture.

Many of you are aware of the dispute raging between motorcycle enthusiasts and those upset about the noise made by these machines. Some municipalities have even brought in or contemplated by-laws to enforce noise standards on motorbikes. The village of Fredericton is currently considering such a bylaw, but surely what we need here is provincial legislation. Cyclists claim that the high noise levels are important for safety reasons. The evidence on that seems to be mixed, but there can be no doubt that a safety issue does exist in regard to visibility of motorbikes. It seems to me that this provides an economic opportunity for New Brunswickers.

I therefore propose the following, which is designed to address both the noise and safety issues, and yet (I freely admit), in typical New Brunswick fashion, fails to resolve completely either concern:

Under my proposal, motorcyclists will have two options regarding noise produced by their machines. The bike will either be ‘whisper-quiet’ (the decibel range to be specified later, but, once established, no further restrictions will be placed on operation of the bike meeting that limit) or produce a louder noise. In the latter case, bikers will be obliged by provincial law to sport neon pink, neon orange or neon green clothing. Only one colour may be used per bike/biker combination. Small patches may be used to provide an identifier (e.g. a bike club name) but the colour selected must cover at least 90% each of the clothing and bike. This would also include the helmet.

The law would have immediate effects. Most bikers will prefer converting their bikes to run quietly rather than wear neon-coloured clothing that might identify them as being ‘less-than-manly’. That will result in a rapid abatement of the noise issues surrounding motorcycle use in the province. However, it is recognized that there will be a small number of bikers who choose to have loud bikes, even if it means wearing brightly-coloured clothing. For them, in fact, those colours may become a source of pride. That in fact opens up an economic opportunity for NBers. As noise abatement laws spread across North America, having a location where you can be loud and proud would be welcome by certain motorcyclists, even if it means wearing neon clothes. Colourful motorcycle tourists would pour into the province providing business for hotels, restaurants, and bars. Now, I would not pretend that these dollars would come anywhere near close to the $7 billion that we now expect from the Frank McKenna Memorial Pipeline and Shale Gas Bonanza, but every dollar counts.

Of course, to preserve our sanity, we would have to restrict these motorcyclist visitors to certain weeks of the year. I suspect, however, that such restrictions would simply increase the allure; various motorcycle sporting events, for example, could be held at this time. To differentiate out-of-province motorcyclists from locals, I propose that those ‘from away’ have small triangle-shaped flags attached to the tops of their helmets via short poles. These flags could be of various colours and designs, perhaps serving to identify their place of residence.

I am sure that you will agree with me that this is an elegant solution to the motorcycle noise problem. I admit it may be seem counter-intuitive to allow ‘quiet’ bikes to opt out of the neon clothing requirement. Would wearing this clothing not increase biker safety? Of course it would, but when it comes down to it, bikers have the right to put themselves in harm’s way. In any event, I believe I have provided not only a way to reduce the motorcycle noise problem, but also a way to generate tourist dollars for NB. Someone should seek an ACOA grant to further develop this idea.

I remain your humble servant,
Dicky Floridian
Taymouth NB

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