I have been informed by a reliable source that when King Stephen (Colbert) ascends the Throne of Canada, he will appoint me as Lord High Executioner for New Brunswick. Although a heavy burden, I believe I will have no choice but to accept the position. The Province must be saved from itself.
Please be advised, that after due thought and consideration, the following edicts will be issued:
1. Shale gas exploration will be BANNED. Instead, we will drill for gas at random locations (or where directed by me). For example, I have it on good authority that there is plenty of gas under the Fredericton Playhouse.
2. As voting in NB simply raises false hopes, electing politicians via voting will be BANNED. Instead I, as LHE(NB), will make all political appointments, in return for suitable inducements.
3. Redemption centres will be BANNED. Instead, grocery stores will be given the right to sell wine and beer with the proviso that they accept all plastic and glass bottles and cans, and refund deposits on same. Convenience stores may also sell wine and beer, but only if they call themselves ‘dépanneur‘, as in ‘Dépanneur Scholten’. Meanwhile Alcool NB stores will continue to sell liquor, with added marijuana and cocaine products.
4. Twitter will be BANNED. Now get back to work.
5. Statues in Fredericton of foreigners, such as those of Robbie Burns, will be torn down and replaced with statues of Stompin’ Tom, Don Messer, and Louis J Robichaud. The latter will be quite large; in fact, I may require that the entire Old Loyalist Burying Ground be re-purposed for that use. It is time to move on, folks.
6. Fredericton will be re-named as ‘That Little Village Upriver’, or TLVU. New Maryland, Oromocto, outlying villages and LSDs will be merged with Fredericton to form ‘Greater TLVU’.
7. Moncton will invade and conquer Riverview, and the resulting entity shall be renamed as ‘The/Le Boor’.
8. Saint John shall absorb Rothesay and other outlying areas with silly names, such as Quiswhatever, and the resulting entity shall be renamed as ‘Town of Everlasting Fog’. All meetings of Council appointees shall be held on Reversing Falls Jetboats.
9. The Capital shall be removed to Renous, although travel to Renous will be BANNED.
10. All sociologists will be given actual work to perform.
Other edicts to follow, upon my appointment.